After another long hiatus, here’s another post. It’s been a complicated time for me – the pain of a protracted divorce, the joy of a new relationship, the busyness of work, the inability to get things done (like this blog!). I often fear that I’m not spending enough time in the Jodo Shinshu path – not reading enough, not saying the nembutsu enough, not going to my temple enough, etc. I find myself making excuses for myself as if someone is judging me, keeping track. I fear that others will be disappointed with me and say “See, I told you we couldn’t rely on Dave… I told you he wouldn’t stick with it.”

Well, maybe all this is true, but I am still trusting Amida’s vow and His great compassion for the foolish and the hopeless – namely, me. I don’t really have any other choice. So I say, despite my failures and inadequacies – no, because of my failures and inadequacies – Namu Amida Butsu!

So, long story short – my wife and I have separated after several decades of marriage. This is not the place to go into details about this, of course. Suffice it to say that it was a difficult decision and a hard transition for both of us. I continue to adjust to my new home and look forward to the beginning of the school year as a welcome distraction from these intense personal issues.

Now, this was a time when my relationship with Amida was tested. Actually, perhaps it’s better to say that my perceptions of that relationship were warped and twisted by my dukkha (“suffering, feeling of dissatisfaction”). The nembutsu did not spring as freely from my lips and I felt more than a bit lost.

However, I always felt a steady presence near me and I was reminded of my last post back in April. Now it seems hardly coincidental that I wrote about Rennyo’s story about Amida catching ahold of our sleeves and never letting us go. I think I am understanding the meaning of this in a deeper way now after these difficult months.

My relationship with Amida depends not on my state of mind but is totally relies on the active grace of Amida himself. I know this now and I rejoice in gratitude for it. Namu Amida Butsu!

"[In a dream] Amida caught hold of his [Yuirenbo's] sleeve and held on to it firmly, not letting go even when he tried to get away. Thereby we should understand that ‘embracing’ [sesshu] means catching and holding on to one who may want to escape." (p. 203)

This story really struck me as quite moving. Sometimes it is tempting to feel worry and doubt about the quality or solidity of one’s "true entrusting" (shinjin). This is certainly true of me (as you can tell from some previous posts). But perhaps this is to slide into a kind of "self-power" mentality, as if everything is dependent on my faith and my state of mind. But really all depends on Amida and he is by no means passive but active, catching hold of our sleeves and not letting go (even if we are trying to get away).

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This poem really struck me:

"Oh Saichi, do you recite the Nembutsu only when you think of it?
What do you do when you do not think if it?"
"Yes, [well,] when I do not think of it, there is the ‘Namu-amida-butsu’ [just the same] -
The oneness of ki and ho;
Even my thinking of [the Nembutsu] rises out of it,
How thankful I am for the favor!"
"Namu-amida-butsu, Namu-amida-butsu!"

This is a comforting thought to me. Even when I am distracted by the many responsibilities of my life and my own foibles and obsessions, there remains the Nembutsu, "the oneness of ki and ho" – that is, the unity of my flawed self and supreme compassion and enlightenment.

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Shinran then responds with brilliant insight:

By this we know that if we could according to our thoughts, we could kill a thousand people for the sake of birth in the Pure Land if so required. We do not kill, not because our thoughts are good but because we do not have the karma to kill even a single person. Yet, even though we do not want to injure anyone, we may be led to kill a thousand people. (trans. Unno)

The point is, it seems to me, that we often want to take the credit or the blame for the things we do that are "good" and "evil." But the reality is that we often end up doing the right thing for the wrong reason, e.g. out of selfishness, or ego, or even with bad intent. Likewise, we can do the "wrong" thing out of the best of motivations. Of course, as often happens, we can be very mistaken about what is "right" and "wrong" in a given situation and then take the credit when things work out or the blame when they don’t.

I know I often find myself in this ethical muddle. The reason for it seems to be my entanglement in my own karmic situation. My motivations, preferences, aversions, ethical understanding, judgments about right and wrong, all are the result of the chain of karma that has made me who I am. Good or bad, my ethical thoughts and deeds come from my own ego-self. Given this I am on very shaky ground (to say the least) if my path to enlightenment or salvation depends on me.

This then is the beauty of the nembutsu path and total dependence on Amida’s Primal Vow. My enlightenment or salvation is totally grounded in the Other Power of Amida. I, as a result, express my gratitude by saying the nembutsu.

However, the fact that Amida’s Vow will lead me inexorably to the Pure Land and then to return to samsara as a bodhisattva does not absolve me of ethical responsibility. The Immeasurable Light of Amida will illumine the dark recesses of my karmic bondage and thus help guide my actions. But when I fall, as I know I will, the compassion of Amida is always there.

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When I was in India back in March, my students and I visited Dharamsala, the home of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and a large number of Tibetans living in exile. When we arrived, Dharamsala was in an uproar over the violent crackdown on protestors in Tibet. Several protests were held every day, all of them peaceful and spirited, but well-behaved. There were candle light vigils and an ongoing hunger strike outside the entrance to HHDL’s compound.

One day I was out in the street when a large protest march began. At the front were two monks holding pictures of Mahatma Gandhi and the Dalai Lama (see my picture above). This signaled their intention to do what they could to resist the oppression of the Chinese government in Tibet but to do so exclusively through nonviolent means. This reminded me of a quote from Gandhi about satyagraha:

What do you think? Wherein is courage required? in blowing others to pieces from behind a cannon, or with a smiling face to approach a cannon and be blown to pieces? Who is the true warrior? he who keeps death always as a bosom-friend, or he who controls the death of others? Believe me that a man devoid of courage and manhood can never be a passive resister.

When I saw the pictures of dead Tibetans, many of them monks, plastered around Dharamsala, I imagined the courage they must have had to stand unarmed before powerful guns and resist nonetheless.

Sitting here now, I wonder if I possess such courage. I am convinced philosophically that Gandhi and the Dalai Lama are right in adopting a stance of nonviolent resistance. I am committed to it personally and believe it to be consistent with the teaching of the Buddha and Jodo Shinshu (though this is more instinctual than informed at this point). But if push came to shove, could I stand before guns with courage, love, and compassion in my heart? I don’t know but I hope so.

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This understanding was brought home when I read these words from Taitetsu Unno in his wonderful book River of Fire, River of Water:

Shin Buddhism comes alive for those who live in the valley and in the shadows. It challenges people to find the meaning of life in the abyss of  the darkness of ignorance . . . The wonder of this teaching is that liberation if made available to us not because we are wise but because we are ignorant, limited, imperfect, and finite. (pp. 11-12)

Recently, I feel that the compassion of Amida is working on me, making me more aware of who and what I am. It isn’t a pretty picture to see the truth about oneself sometimes, but this isn’t where it ends. It is precisely because of of my faults and imperfections that the compassion of Amida can save me. Namu Amida butsu!

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Perhaps I’m running into the natural ebb in the initial enthusiasm of the new "convert" (is this the right word?). What seemed so easy and natural at first is coming harder. My feeling of closeness to Amida, the spontaneous exclamations of the nembutsu seem to have faded. My old faults seem more obvious and my tendencies toward feeling hopeless seem to creep back now and again.

Then I ran across this discussion in the Tannisho (IX). Yuiembo confesses to Shinran that "Although I say the nembutsu, I rarely experience joyful happiness nor do I have the desire to go immediately to the Pure Land. What should be done about this?" Shinran responds, "I, Shinran, have been having the same question also, and now you, Yui-en, have the same thought." Shinran goes on to explain that this is "due to blind passion so truly powerful and overwhelming." He than says that such people are the "special concern of true compassion" and that no matter how reluctant we are Amida’s Vow is completely dependable.

This passage is why I love Shinran so much. He is so entirely human here, admitting his own frailties while still holding out the assurance of deliverance. I take great heart from this passage. Perhaps it’s OK to admit one’s frailties and difficulties. I find assurance in Shinran’s statement that people like me are the "special concern of true compassion." I sure need it!

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Sorry for being gone for so long but I’m back from leading my student group to India. The weeks leading up to the trip were a bit frantic given all that is involved in such an endeavor. And then there was the complication with my health (that seems to have been somewhat resolved now, thankfully). Anyway, I’m writing this at about 4 am, not having yet adjusted back to East Coast time.

The trip went well, though travel in India always has its challenges (especially leading a group of high school kids). We visited many religious communities in India – Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, Jain, Sikh, and Baha’i. The highlights of the experience were longer stays at an ashram in Rishikesh and in the Tibetan Buddhist community in Dharamsala.

We arrived in Dharamsala expecting the typical quiet experience of Buddhist talks and meditation from Tibetan teachers. Instead, we landed in a political firestorm given the events taking place in Tibet. The day we got there, Nancy Pelosi was there with a delegation from Congress. The days following were filled with demonstrations and there was an on-going hunger strike at the gates of the Dalai Lama’s temple.

As I recover and get back to school, I look forward to returning to my reflections on Jodo Shinshu. Let me tell you that the nembutsu sprang to my lips many times in the past weeks!

I can say, though, that the nembutsu was a constant companion with me during this difficult time and remains so. Namu Amida Butsu! Thanks to all of you who wished me well! I very much appreciate it.